Being Thoughtful

A friend of mine is working on NaNoWriMo this year, and I've volunteered to be his cheerleader, occasionally sending him interesting words or thoughtful descriptions of things. The discourse has turned into what's almost a poetry exchange, and in sending along one of my favorites, I discovered a stanza that I'm very much enamored of: the first stanza of Rilke's second Duino Elegy.

"Every angel is terrifying. And yet, alas, I invoke you,

almost deadly birds of the soul, knowing about you.
Where are the days of Tobias, when one of you, veiling his radiance,
stood at the front door, slightly disguised for the journey, no longer appalling;
(a young man like the one who curiously peeked through the window).
But if the archangel now, perilous, from behind the stars took even one step down toward us:
our own heart, beating higher and higher, would beat us to death.
Who are you?"

I strongly recommend reading both of the Duino Elegies, available here: http://homestar.org/bryannan/duino.html

In other news, life is good.

Today will be good.

I have a really good feeling about today. I woke up on time, had a long lovely breakfast followed by a long lovely shower, and I made my first micro-loan through Kiva.org . Kiva is a site where you can loan money to struggling entrepreneurs around the world (and you can loan as much as you want or as little as $25), and then you're paid back as their business starts to take off. The repayment rate is 98.87%, so there's almost no risk of losing your investment. I'm helping out a farmer in Ecuador named Christian Israel so he can buy seeds and fertilizer. Join me in helping someone start over! http://kiva.org/invitedby/lisa9711

If you aren't familiar with a group called Nerdfighters, I recommend looking them up. They're an internet-based community dedicated to "decreasing world-suck levels and increasing world-awesome." One of the brothers who helped found the group, John Green, made a YouTube video a few days ago about the site (his second video about it in the last three years), and in the last two days, the Nerdfighters team on Kiva has raised over $20,000 for people around the world. That's a group I can love and get behind.

I'm actually going to be doing a folklore project on the group in the coming months, so it'll be interesting to see what I dig up.

I'd keep talking about the wonderful things in life, but I'm about to late for class. That would not make today wonderful. Ciao!

This might hurt

Hey everyone, long time no blog. I'm sorry that this blog seems to be slowly dying, but, like old diaries, I'll probably come back to it every now and then to reminisce. That said, this post is not a goodbye. I'm hoping it's actually a wake-up call for some people.

I told y'all back in February that I've gone vegan. I still am. I am not the sort of person who preaches. I grew up with one, and I understand how off putting that approach can be. Also, I appreciate it when people stay out of my business, so I try to stay out of theirs. However, I stumbled across a video interview with Ellen DeGeneres earlier today in which she was answering questions about her own veganism. She mentioned the film Earthlings, saying it was a major player in her decision. The interviewer then asked if Ellen had seen Food, Inc., and if that video had cemented what she'd learned in Earthlings. Ellen replied that Food, Inc. had seemed like a Disney movie in comparison. Having seen the film and having been disgusted by it, I was curious how intense Earthlings might actually be. Conveniently, the full film is available on YouTube and was a recommended video on the sidebar. I watched it. She was right.

People frequently ask me if my veganism is a health thing or an ethics thing. I always told them it was health. That answer has changed, now, and I honestly regret having answered any differently in the past.

I am not a perfect person. Sometimes I drink too much, I procrastinate, I can't keep an exercise schedule to save my life, I swear like a sailor, and I let dishes pile up in the sink. These are but a few of my many downfalls. I do, however, make an honest effort to improve the world I live in, and I am proud to say that I do not contribute to the brutality visited upon animals. Below, I'm embedding Earthlings in its entirety. Whether or not you click "play" is up to you.

Book Review/Suggestion

Hey kids! It's been forever since I've posted anything, but I'm taking time out of my fabulously busy life (lies) to recommend a book to you. It's called All Unquiet Things, and it's written by Anna Jarzab. I have long been a fan of murder mysteries, but I'll be the first to tell you that this novel is nothing like the insipid life stories of some of the adult murder mystery heroines (I'm looking at you, Jill Churchill and Joanne Fluke!) who spend half the novel correcting grammar and drooling over their current heart-throb.

The story follows the lives of Neily Monroe and Audrey Ribelli (though mostly Neily) as they investigate the murder of Carly Ribelli, Neily's ex and Audrey's cousin-cum-sister. Audrey's father was convicted of Carly's murder and locked up, but some elements of the story don't add up for Audrey who convinces Neily to help her open a dangerous investigation that flirts with the world of drug dealing. A slew of colorful characters keep the story interesting and surprising, but what makes the story a success is the inner dialogue of Neily.

Dumped in a wildly public and embarrassing fashion by Carly for resident bad boy Adam, Neily seems intent on convincing both the reader and himself that, even though she's dead, he hates Carly more than he loves her and that forgiveness for her actions is not an option. While it's clear from page one (well, maybe page two) that this is not the case for the reader, Neily's struggle with himself is raw and touching. You can feel the ache of the boy who can't understand what happened to the girl he loved. His inability to reconcile the Carly he knew with the girl who was murder at the start of their Junior year makes for an emotional read.

Audrey, on the other hand, is determined to clear her father's name. A life-long alcoholic, Enzo Ribelli estranged his family and has only begun to rebuild his relationship with his only child now that he's locked behind bars. Having lost her father once before to booze, Audrey is unable to lose him again to the legal system without fighting what she knows is a lie. Yes, her grief over losing her cousin and the closest thing she had to a sister is a motivator for her, but Enzo's incarceration is by far the most important injustice she's fighting. Nevermind that her boyfriend of two years and Adam's best friend, Cass, dumped her after her father was convicted because it would tarnish his name.

The eventual conclusion of "who done it" seemed a little unnatural to me, and I had trouble believing it when Neily and Audrey ultimately realized it, but I can't seem to fault the book for that. To me, this story was primarily about Neily's struggle to forgive Carly, and all other plots were secondary.

3 1/2 of 5 stars.

:D

So I haven't posted in a bajillion years and this is random, but does anyone else watch those home improvement shows and wonder if they're the only woman in the world who isn't afraid to bash a wall with a sledgehammer? All these useless wives stand around tapping the walls with the hammer, making that pathetic "ehn, eeehn" noise because the hammer weighs more than them. Totally ridiculous.

Pro Tip of the Day!

Hating someone because a person or a book told you to is generally considered foolish and makes you into an asshole.


As a side note: If the Bible was written by men who are not infallible, it can be logically reasoned that the Bible is also not infallible. But Bible-thumpers aren't really into logic or reason, are they?

No Angst This Time! :D

Hey kids, it's time for a post on a particulaly awesome day in my life.

Thursday night, I discovered the perfect cut jeans for myself but couldn't find my size in my price range, so Friday started out with me finally finding them (and my butt looks stellar in them, thank you), and the library had one of my favorite movies (Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie), and then boyfriend and I shared a bloomin' onion for dinner and caught a movie I've been dying to see since it was in production. It's called "FORKS OVER KNIVES," and it's a documentary on how nutirtion affects diseases of affluence (heart disease, cancer, strokes, diabetes, hypertension, etc.). It's based, largely, off the work of Caldwell Esselstyn, MD, and T. Colin Campbell, MD. I don't currently have time to write a full review of the film (will follow, no worries), but it's amazing. I can't say it changed my life because Campbell's book, The China Study, already did, but it changed boyfriend's. That alone makes driving past four theaters to get to the only one showing FOK worth it.

SO! Hometown peeps, head out to the plaza and WATCH IT. It'll make you think. This is one of the few films I've seen where movie goers clustered outside the exit to chat about what they'd seen and ask serious, thoughtful questions.

Also, boyfriend is amazing and y'all should be jealous. :D

Frustrations

As my junior/senior/third/whatever year draws to a close, I'm learning a few things about myself. Throughout college, I have not been a partier. I went to one frat party. It took me two years in my a cappella group to actually start going to their parties with any regularity (and I'm still an uncommon sight among them). This week, however, I apparently donned a new personality and spent both Tuesday and Thursday night partying how I never imagined I would. I went to my first bar and a boy I'm not dating bought me my first shot. I danced with strangers. I got an all-you-can-drink bracelet. I am retrospectively hating myself.

I don't get hangovers. A little dehydrated, sure. I do not sleep til noon and crawl out of bed with a headache the size of my regret and nurse coffee for the next three hours. Even so, I can feel that I'm not on my game and I hate the idea that I can't lose myself in fun unless I've had a few drinks. I also hate getting exciting news via text and being too disoriented to properly care about it.

I think there are just too many things happening at once. I start partying right before a bunch of my friends are graduating and the frustration with myself doubles the sadness and confusion of people disappearing from my life. I haven't actually hung out with my best friend in over two weeks (he doesn't drink and so did not join us for Tuesday and Thursday) and I hate ending my semester on this note. I'm going to go home for three months where my family antagonizes my veganism and everything is dirty all the time and I have to pretend that I haven't changed since high school so I can keep up with the mindless banter with the old friends who live in town. I get so accustomed to being free and totally myself here that it drives me nuts to go "home" and be someone else.

I am looking forward to being closer to Tristan, though. Long-distance, while feasible, is not something that either of us has particularly enjoyed and it'll be nice to be in the same area again. Admittedly, we'll still be 40-60 minutes apart, but that's better than 3-4 hours by a long shot. I just want to be like we were last fall when campus was warm and he was here and I got to live in my house and no one judged me for my choices and there was dancing and beach excursions and picnics and late nights watching Whose Line with the bff.

I know my life is easier than most, and I do appreciate the good in my life. I guess sometimes I just get tired of being the shoulder that's cried on and never getting to vent myself, you know?

I need to go before I whine too much more.
I need to get out.

Regrets

Mike's Hard Lemonade and an empty house make me think stupid things. Then again, given my absurd tolerance for alcohol, I think it's just the house. Or maybe I'm just lonely. I hate tonight.

Dear everyone,
Don't give up on a relationship (and I'm talking platonic here) just because it feels a little awkward now and then. Don't give yourself a reason to regret people and friendships that you could have stuck with. I feel like such a moron some days.

To the people I've hurt: I'm sorry. I'm a mess of a person, and while it's not a good excuse for the trouble I've caused you, I hope it will help you understand. I didn't mean to cause anyone pain. I'm just really dumb sometimes. I hope someday you can forgive me.

This is for several people, but one in particular, and I strongly doubt that any of them will read this. Maybe the effort counts a little in karma.

I'm going to do better. I'm going to be better. I hope we'll be friends again some day.

It's Official

I'm going vegan.

As many of you know, I've been a vegetarian for close to three years now (March 18th). I know many people who have made the jump to veganism and rave about it, and I've been in a bit of a rut lately emotionally and physically. I'm always tired, I'm frequently depressed, I never want to exercise, blah blah blah. And I'm sick of it.

So I told myself I'd go vegan for a week. I don't mean going out and buying a week's worth of Amy's frozen vegan meals (which are delicious, by the way, and I'm in no way slamming the line), I mean real cook-for-yourself and actually-buy-vegetables kind of vegan. It's been two full days and I feel incredible.

This morning, I didn't shut my alarm off and roll over again for the first time in two months. I worked out. Even though classes were cancelled and I mostly lazed around the house, I feel like my body is happier with me. I haven't been depressed all week. I'm learning to bake vegan (which so far is equally as tasty and doens't make my stomach hurt afterwards (I'm also lactose-intolerant and used to ignore that and eat cheese anyway)).

Long story short, I can't wait to see the long-term benefits. If two days can make me feel like this, I will happily be in it for the long-haul. And no, I won't berate anyone for not being a vegan or jump on a soapbox and preach like the vegangelicals do, but I will be happy to cook for anyone and show them how tasty and healthy this lifestyle can be.

Here's to a new me. =)

Resentment, party of one.

I know this blog might lead you to think otherwise, but I'm not the sort of person who spends their whole like complaining about things. I keep the vast majority of the suck in my life bottled away. I mean, I don't want to deal with it so why should anyone else? This personality quirk (flaw?) has the potential to get me into trouble. It did just that earlier this evening.

As I mentioned over the weekend, I deal with SAD. So does, I believe, about 30% of the American population, so I'm in good company. Coupled with that is that I also have remnants of depression. I was diagnosed in middle school, went through medication and counseling, and found a way to keep it under control on my own, sans meds. This worked pretty well for the last bit of high school and the first bit of college. I don't know what it was that started setting me off again (stress, displacement, relationship, diet, whatever), but I began having trouble with it again about halfway through my sophomore year of college.

For those of you who also deal with this problem, you'll understand my dispair at having these troubles again after 3-4 years symptom free. You'll also understand the annoyance of hearing people who've never dealt with depression tell you they know how you feel, most especially when they compare your mental instability to stress of a paper they're working on. It doesn't quite work that way, folks.

When I'm in a depressive episode, I operate under a fog. Emotions feel less, food tastes less, words mean less, you get the idea. I've come to discover, though, that when an episode coincides with SAD, it turns into self-directed rage (at least for me). That's what happened when I made the painting in the most recent post.

There's a method of creating art called "Psychic Automatism," which is pretty much when you tell reason and logic to piss off and you just let your hands and your emotions do their own thing. This method was the groundwork for surrealism, though surrealism did in some cases evolve into a higher exploration of sensory confusion (think Dali). That vicious, nightmaring wolf is what came out of me when I let emotions run. This is something that frightens me and I don't know if I actually feel safe encouraging myself to continue this sort of thing. It's like looking at it proves that my mind is a little more on the dysfunctional side than I'd like.

This is the state I was in earlier today when my boyfriend told me he resents me for having all my friends around at college while he's away living with family he doesn't know terribly well and teaching at a school where he's the youngest in his department by a good 10-15 years.

Yes, I do have my friends around. That's about it. I've lost my passion and been forced into a major I don't really care about, I'm losing my sanity one day at a time, waking up in the morning makes me want to scream some days, I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past week, and I can't trust my own head to not create fantastical and horrifying images to torment me until I literally remove them from sight (and even afterwards to be honest). I'm sorry that you refuse to reach out to the other interns who you know from college for a little support or maybe drinks now and then, and I'm sorry that you feel like you're intruding at your uncle's house, but you have a job you love, and a pet to calm you down, and someone who asks how your day was and makes you dinner, and you never have to feel the kind of crushing loneliness that makes every part of you ache because you always have someone there.

You have no right to resent me for being unhappy 300 miles from you. Yours is not the only sad story.

Seasonal Affective Dilemma

The more is snows up here in the godless north, the more I come to discover that I suffer heavily from Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is not something that should be combined with LDRS syndrome (better known as "Long Distance Relationshipping Sucks" syndrome). It messes me up and I end up painting things like this:

...even though I totally meant to do a cartoon blood-thirsty dog that I would have named "Journalism." Somehow I got that nightmarish behemoth instead. (It's also apparently impossible to get a decent picture of it in my horribly dim house.) It actually makes me really, really uncomfortable to have it in my room, but at the same time I can't bear to paint over it. blarg. Sometimes I think my brain takes a vacation from working and crap just happens.

I need to clean my room.

Also, Trimalchio's Dinner is painful as hell to read through, and it is a serious testament to my good-studentry that I haven't given up entirely on it yet. (The key word there is "yet.")

Senior Year, Semester One

Holy crap, I'm a senior. When did that happen?

It's been weird getting used to school this semester. My house is the same, my roommates are the same, but I'm painting now and boyfriend is living in a different city. The painting is okay, I guess, but the second part is kind of suck. Seeing as this is the worst thing that's ever happened in our relationship though, I should probably count myself lucky and just shut up.

On the painting front, I'm in two painting classes (2&3) simultaneously so that I can still graduate on time, and I'm thinking that for all of my P2 projects, I'll focus on style variation and medium control, and for my P3 assignments, I'll do a series on pigs. It's not exactly going to be all snorts and sunshine, though. I'll probably do three or four adorable paintings and the last one will be either a plate of bacon or a picture of "blooding," which is where a hog is hung upside down and has its throat slit. Yes, it's gruesome, but the American fantasy of a green pasture with happy little pigs rolling in the mud is utter crap and people should be aware.

But for now, here's the first adorable painting.


It still needs some love in some places, but it's generally done.

Moving on, my a cappella group recorded all (most of) our new songs on Saturday and we should have a CD ready to sell by our Spring concert at the end of March. So stoked!! It's going to be awesome, and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I'll try to actually blog this semester. Jill and I have been experimenting a lot with cooking, so maybe exciting food stuff will appear on here. This will not become a food blog. There are already a ton of those that are much better than this one would be (Vegan Yum Yum, Use Real Butter, etc.).

If anyone still reads this thing, thanks for sticking around! I'll try not to disappoint.